“Hey darlin,” Dean said quietly, sitting down on the sunbed next to me.

“Hey,” I glanced over at him before looking back at the setting sun.

It’s funny how quickly a day can end. If you’d told me this morning that this day would end with the knowledge that Jonathan was going to be the father of Sienna’s child, I would have laughed in your face. If you had told me that this knowledge would lead to me having such a severe reaction and end up laying in a medical centre with Dean next to me, panicked, I would have called bullshit. I had, for a moment thought that maybe, just maybe, I had made some progress. That despite losing Jonathan and my world crashing down, I was learning to deal with it in a healthy way, but it seems that with the flick of a switch I can go back to that place.

After my panic attack, which I can now add to the list of issues I currently have, I didn’t want to go back to the lodge. I didn’t want to talk any more than I already had with Dr. Miller and Kristen, and I didn’t want their pity if I’m honest. I’m not sure how long I’ve been sitting out here watching the still lake and just letting my thoughts flow, but it must have been long enough for Dean to come looking for me.

“Where did you go?” I ask, still looking at the disappearing sun.

“Dr. Miller sent me back to the lodge once Kristen came.” I see him glance at me from the corner of my eye.

“Ok,” I reply quietly.

Dean starts to say something but decides not to. He can see that right now I don’t want to talk. So, we sit there in a comfortable silence just watching the world go to bed.

“The day I ran into you is the day I lost my best friend and brother.” He says quietly, breaking the silence.

I look over at Dean, tears beginning to form in the corner of his eyes as he looks straight forward. Neither of us had ever told each other why we were here. Not because we had anything to hide, but because it’s the kind of thing you tell someone when you’re ready and neither of us was ever ready, until today.

I knew what had happened today had scared him. The look in his eyes when I woke told me everything. I reach over and take his hand in mine. He looks down briefly but then looks back up and at the lake. I don’t think he can tell me this story if he is looking at me.

Dean lets out a huge breath, almost like he’d been holding it in since that day as he said, “Cullen was my best friend, my brother from another mother. Ya know?”

I nodded, knowing what that felt like.

“We had been friends since kindergarten. We were inseparable. We did everything together.” He brushed the tears off his cheeks. “When I got the call at the hospital it seemed like a run-of-the-mill, small apartment fire. Nothing me and Cullen hadn’t been to before. When we got there, it was anything but. The entire building was on fire and most of our men were either in the building, pulling those who couldn’t get out to safety or working to bring the fire under control.”

I give his hand a squeeze letting him know that I was there for him.

“Cullen and I went in, doing a last-minute check to make sure the building was clear of any civilians. It’s a standard thing to do, we’ve done it a thousand times. As we finished up on level five, our chief called us over the radio and told us to evacuate the building because there was a threat of collapse.” Dean’s voice cracks as he wipes more tears away. “Just as we were evacuating the building, Cullen thought he heard a woman crying out from an apartment behind us. Without a second thought, we both ran towards the screaming. Our chief was screaming in our ear to get out, but we couldn’t leave her there to die. We couldn’t.” Pulling his hand from mine, Dean rubbed his face in frustration. “We couldn’t leave her, Camilla,” he repeated.

“I know, Dean,” I replied quietly.

“I kicked the door down, Cullen was the first in. I stood at the door keeping it clear for when he came out. Cullen yelled to me that he couldn’t locate the woman, so I went in, and just as I was about to enter the room Cullen was in the roof above me collapsed, slamming the door shut to the room and cutting me off from Cullen.” His voice goes between anger and sadness. “I tried to get through the debris, but I couldn’t get through. I couldn’t get through.”

Dean sat in silence, tears streaming down his face. I got up from my chair and sat next to him, taking his hand in mine again and giving him a reassuring squeeze. He looked up at me and smiled before looking back at the lake.

“I had to stand there and listen to him die behind that door, behind the debris. I stood there, unable to do anything to save my best friend’s life. He died because I wasn’t strong enough to move the roof beams,” Dean close his eyes, frustration etched on his face. “I was dragged out by my chief and my other brothers but I should have died in there with him.”

“Dea-“

He cut me off. “It should have been me. I should have been first in, not Cullen. He deserved better than that and I let him down.” Dean cleared his throat, looking at me briefly. “I heard him calling for me, Camilla,” he said, his voice trembling. “I hear him every night in my dreams, I hear him calling out to me and I can’t save him, I can never save him.”

“Dean,” I say quietly as I reach up, taking his face into my hands. “Look at me,” I say softly but he refuses to meet my gaze. “Dean, look at me,” I say more sternly. He finally brings his gaze to mine, nervously and unsure of how he should react. “This wasn’t your fault; do you hear me?” He tries to look away again, but I force his gaze back to mine. “Do you hear me?” I repeat.

“Camil-“

I cut him off. “No, no Camilla. What happened to Cullen and that woman wasn’t your fault. You couldn’t have known that the roof was going to collapse, and you couldn’t have known he would be trapped.”

“There was no woman, Camilla,” he says just above a whisper. “He died for no reason.”

My stomach instantly dropped. Dean looked away from me, angry at his own words.

“And what if there had been and you hadn’t gone and looked, huh?” His eyes shot to mine.

“We-“ he pauses.

“Not only would a woman have died but both you and Cullen would have had to live with that knowledge,” I slowly moved my hands down from his face. “He didn’t die for no reason, Dean. He died doing what he loved saving people’s lives.”

Dean’s legs drop over the side of the sunbed as he begins to anxiously rub the top of his thighs with his hands. Reaching down, I place my hand on top of his hand in an attempt to calm his anxiety. His hand stills under my touch and as he turns his hand over I catch sight of a scar on the inside of his wrist.

“Is this from the fire?” I ask quietly, gently running my thumb over the scar.

“No,” he replied, turning the other wrist over to reveal the same scar on the left wrist.

I instantly felt sick. I knew what those scars were, what they meant. My entire body was overwhelmed with sadness. The thought of him feeling so alone, so broken, so undeserving of life, that he thought the only way to make it right was to end his own.

“Dea-”

He cut me off. “It was after Cullen’s funeral. I stood there, watching them lower my best friend into the ground, listening to his mother, father, and sister crying and knowing he was there because of me. I-“ Dean let out a shaky breath. “I couldn’t take it anymore. When I got back to our apartment, I went into kitchen, got a knife, turned the shower on, sat in the bottom and cut my wrists.” He looks down at me, rubbing the scars on his wrist. “It was quiet, my mind was quiet, I felt free and, I was at peace. Everything felt ok.”

“Who, I mean, when,” I was struggling with my words, and he knew I was because he followed up with, “Cullen’s sister, Cassie found me. She had stopped by our apartment to drop some things off from the funeral. She heard the shower running and when I didn’t answer she took the door off the hinges and pulled me from the shower. Cassie is a nurse; she knew the damage I had done, what I had tried to do. Her nurse side kicked in and she immediately stopped the bleeding then called an ambulance. The next thing I remember is waking up in the hospital with Cassie and Cullen’s mum standing beside the bed.” Dean takes a deep breath. “I spent four days in the hospital before they gave me the option of coming here or being moved to a psych ward.”

Do you ever just lose the ability to form words? I wanted to ask why but I knew why, and I wanted to ask if he was ok but he’s not, clearly. The only thing I can muster up is, “you haven’t, ya know, thought about doing it again?” I ask nervously not wanting to use the word ‘suicide’ because I don’t want to accidentally trigger him.

“No, I haven’t. Working with the animals and talking to Kristen has really helped. I’m not 100% and I don’t think I ever will be, but I won’t ever do that again.” Dean pauses for a moment then says, “and you darlin, I don’t feel that darkness around me when I’m with you. I feel like myself again.”

“You have to promise me that if you ever think about or feel like hurting yourself again, that you tell me. Promise me, Dean?”

“I promise,” Dean replies softly.

“Good, because we are in this together. You’re stuck with me, pretty boy.” I slap his shoulder.

“Pretty boy? That’s the name I get after sharing my demons with you?” He chuckles.

“What do you think this is, gift week?”

“I don’t know what that is but I’m going to guess it’s… No?”

“Mmmhmmm,” I giggle.

Neither of us had realised how late it had gotten until a cold chill ran through my body. Instinctively and like the pure gentleman he is, Dean removes his coat and wraps it around me.

“I’m so sorry for what happened to Cullen, Dean,” I look up at him.

“Thank you. For not only listening but for being here for me.” He smiles softly down at me. “Now, let’s get you inside, darlin,” he says, standing and offering me his hand.

“Thank you, for your jacket and for opening up to me,” I take his hand and stand.

“You’re welcome, darlin,” he winks at me.

“I’ll tell you about Jonathan once we’re inside, I promise.”

Dean nods his head as we head inside into the warmth of the lodge. The place is pretty quiet except for the crackling of the fire and Doug singing off-key in the kitchen. Dean heads to the kitchen to grab dinner as I head up to my room to check on Pickle and my phone. Opening my door, I come face to face with a very shitty Pickle perched on the window seat staring daggers at me.

“I’m sorry Pickle, I know I went AWOL today,” I say as I walk over and plonk myself down next to her.

Reaching over to pat her, she gets up and moves just out of reach. “Oh, come on Pickle, that’s cold,” I reach for her again, but she jumps off the window seat, struts over to the armchair in the corner of the room, stretches, looks back at me, and then jumps up and settles herself there.

“Pickle!” I grumble. “Don’t be mean, it’s been a rough day, Pick.”

“Don’t worry,” Dean says as he walks in with our food. “It’s Pick’s fave dinner tonight; salt and pepper calamari. Pickle can’t resist calamari, can ya, Pick?” He scruffs her head, earning him a hiss. “See? She’s ecstatic,” Dean chuckles as he puts the plates down on the bed.

As Dean finds us something to watch, I head into the bathroom and change quickly. Normally I would change into Jonathan’s shirt but not tonight, I think it’s time I start letting him go as he has let me go. I slip into my Alice in Wonderland PJs I got for my birthday from Kay and head back out. Opening the door, I see Dean is sitting up against the headboard shovelling food into his mouth and chuckling away to Curb Your Enthusiasm while Pickle is perched on my side of the bed eyeing off my calamari.

“Not so cranky now, I see,” I say quietly under my breath, rolling my eyes at Pickle

I quickly check my phone and of course, I have twenty missed calls and God knows how many messages. I messaged everyone back letting them all know I’m ok and that I would call them all in the morning. Thankfully, I have very forgiving friends and they were happy with that.

Settling in next to Pick and Dean, I made short order of devouring my dinner, making sure to share with the demon that now ruled my life. Once we both finished and Pickle was satisfied, I knew it was time to tell Dean about Jonathan and me. I wasn’t going to leave anything out; secrets and lies had caused nothing by trouble and I didn’t want to be in that place again.  I came straight out the gate and told him about sleeping with Sterling, how I kept it a secret, not on purpose but because I could never seem to find the right time or maybe the guts to tell Jonathan. Not that I needed to, it turned out. How I met and instantly fell in love with him, our dates, Sienna, the argument we had the night of his accident and everything that happened once Jonathan woke up. Dean didn’t say a word, he just listened and hugged me when I needed it.

It felt strange but really nice at the same time. I felt heard. I didn’t feel like I was crazy like maybe I had overacted to Jonathan’s rejection, that being here was because I had real issues and not just because I was a girl that couldn’t get over an ex. I will say, Kristen never made me feel like that, but Dean isn’t a therapist. I expected him, scratch that I don’t know what I expected, but all I know is I wish I had opened up sooner.

“I know you’ve been through a lot, and I know losing Jonathan broke you, but always remember that no matter what life throws your way, you are never alone. I am always here, and I will always be here to pick you back up when you fall,” he said, pulling me into his arms.

“I know,” I reply quietly.

“You’re truly incredible, darlin,”

My cheeks immediately went red hot at his words. I believed him, for the first time in months I believe those words.

“And for the record, Jonathan is an idiot and I wanna break every bone in his body,” Dean said curtly.

“I know,” I giggled.

“I hope one day he realises just what he has lost, and it haunts him.”

“Is my big softie, Dean Knight, wishing bad things on a person?” I joke.

“Just this once.”

“I kinda like this side of you,” I smile up at him.

“I kinda do too; makes me want to say other manly things like, ‘Let me open that jar for ya darlin,’” he says as he does a re-enactment of what that would look like.

“Oh, piss off, ya idiot.” I push his hands back down.

“Hey! I was being manly and helpful,” he grumbles.

“Yes, opening a jar is super manly, Dean,” I roll my eyes at him as I switch the TV back on.

“Wow, now I know what you really think of me,” he smirks.

“Shut up and watch the TV.” I poke him in the side.

“Pickle, she’s bullying me!”

Pickle briefly looks up from cleaning her arse and then goes right back to it.

“Thanks, Pickle!” Dean rolls his eyes at her.

“You’re on ya own, babe,” I giggle.

“Seems so,” he sighs.

Is it ok that I’m laughing or joking? I mean, today was hard; for a moment in time my entire world crashed, and I thought it was the end of me but when I came back out, when I let it sit with me, I felt at peace. Don’t get me wrong, I won’t ever stop loving Jonathan. I love him with my entire being and I think I will till the day I die but maybe, just maybe, I can learn to live with this situation. Maybe, I can be happy.