The thought of Jonathan waking up and not remembering me or anyone else in his life made me feel physically sick. Even after I threw up, the constant feeling of nausea stayed with me. I naively thought that everything would go back to normal once the swelling went down and he was awake. I mean, not everything. Of course, there would be some adjustments, and he’d need time off work and therapy, but not once did I think that his memory was at risk. That shit happens in the movies, not in real life.

As Dr. Willet started explaining the different areas of Jonathan’s memory that could be affected, I could feel myself withdrawing further and further into myself. It was the only way for me to protect myself. It’s is all too much. I had heard of people doing this, and if I’m honest, I thought it was rubbish. How does one go into themselves? How do you block everything out? It’s not like there is a secret door, and you only find it when you need it; you can’t not be there, present, and aware. Well, apparently, you can, and I found it. I wasn’t mentally there for much of the conversation, and it truly is an odd thing to be physically there but not at the same time. I felt like I was sitting in an empty movie theatre, watching the situation play out on the big screen—detached and safe.

Once Dr. Willet left, I continued to go through the motions of being Camilla. I sat and ate with Emir and Saph, played cards for a little bit, and then once they fell asleep, I crawled into bed with Jonathan. The moment I heard his heartbeat, I was brought back to earth, and the reality of what tomorrow held hit me like a ton of bricks. I struggled to catch my breath as I cried desperately into Jonathan’s chest.

“I need you, Jonathan, please don’t forget me,” I begged as I wiped tears away.

 

The Next Morning

 

As promised, Dr. Willet came first thing and began the process of withdrawing Jonathan from his coma. He told us it could take a couple of hours but that it wasn’t uncommon for patients to take a day or so.

“Please, God, don’t let it take longer than a day,” I said quietly to myself, looking over at Jonathan.

Seconds felt like minutes, minutes felt like hours, and hours felt like days. Nothing was helping to pass the endless time. We could have watched all three of the Lord of the Rings movies, and at the end, only one minute would have passed. Every time Dr. Willet came to check on Jonathan’s progress, he kept saying he was ‘doing well’ and ‘coming out of it quicker than he anticipated’. Neither myself, Emir, or Saph could see what he was seeing, but I guess we trust that he’s right.

 

Nine O’clock

 

Emir and Saph had nodded off on the couch, and I was slipping in and out of sleep myself when I heard something that I had been craving for days. Jonathan’s voice.

“Where—” he lifts his hand looking at all the cords. “Where am I?” His voice is hoarse.

“EMIR!” I scream to him as I grab Jonathan’s hand. “It’s ok. You’re safe. You’re in the New York-Presbyterian Hospital, but you are ok, baby,” I reassure him.

Jonathan looks at me and then at Emir, completely disorientated.

“Wha-“ he tries to sit up.

“No, brother, don’t sit up,” Emir gently places his hand on Jonathan’s chest, stopping him.

“What happened?” Jonathan asks as he looks around the room.

“Call the nurse,” Emir says quietly.

“On it,” I reach behind Jonathan’s bed and press the call nurse button.

“Don’t worry about that now, Jonathan. Let’s get the doctors in here to check you out.” Saph says quietly from behind me.

“Emir, what are you and Saph doing here?” He looks behind me to Saph.

“We’ll explain later brother, let’s just get you checked out first,” Emir rubs his brother’s shoulder.

Jonathan moves his gaze from Emir to me, scanning my face for a moment intently. After a few moments, he asks, “Who are you?” Pulling his hand from mine, “Who is she, Emir?” He repeats as he looks back at Emir.

“It’s me—”

Dr. Willet cuts me off. “Ahh, Jonathan, it’s good to see you awake.” He smiles, pressing his hands together in a praying gesture. “Would you give us a moment?” He asks, looking at us.

“Oh, of course,” Emir replies, grabbing my arm and pulling me out and into the lounge area.

“What the fuck?” I tug my arm from his grip.

“Stay calm, Camilla, I know you’re upset, but they need to tend to Jonathan,” He replies calmly.

“He doesn’t know who I am Emir, how am I supposed to react?”

“He’s just woken up, Camilla. He’s disorientated,”  Saph says quietly.

“Not disorientated enough to not know who you are,” I snap back.

“Camilla, please. Let them do what they need to, and then we can find out what is going on, ok?” Emir places his hands on my shoulders.

I don’t reply. I can’t. The only reply I have is “Fuck you,” and I don’t want to say that to Emir because I know he is right.

I need to be alone, I think to myself as my eyes dart around the room.

I don’t plan on leaving the room, but I need space from them and the situation. I need somewhere that I can collect my thoughts.

The bathroom? My inner voice suggests.

Perfect, I think to myself.

“I need space.”

“Where are you going?” Emir asks.

“Away from this,” I abruptly reply as I turn and head for the bathroom. “And don’t follow me, Saph!” I call over my shoulder as I close the bathroom door behind me.

All I do is pace back and forth, anxiously chewing on the end of my thumb. I can feel the panic building in the pit of my stomach and an overwhelming need to just run. Pulling my phone out, I dial Kay.

“Kaylee’s celebrity dildos, you’re speaking with Laila.”

“Give me the fucking phone, Laila!” Kay yells in the background

“Kay has woken up today, and chosen violence,” Laila chimes in, sarcastically as Kay struggles to get the phone off her.

I don’t say a word while all this happens. I just quietly cry.

“Fuck you, Laila!” Kay shouts.

The moment Kay gets a hold of the phone, the flood gates open.

“Cami, what happened? Are you ok?”

“He doesn’t know who I am.” I break completely, my words coming out in bits as I struggle to keep myself under control.

“Who, Cami?”

“He doesn’t recognize me, Kay!” I shout down the phone.

“Cami, please. Take a breath; you’re going to hyperventilate and pass out,” Kay begs.

“What am I going to do, Kay? WHAT?”

“Laila! Get in here! Cami is breaking down!” Kay yells as she puts on call on speaker.

“Where are you, Cami,” Laila asks, panicked.

“The bathroom,” I breathe out.

My breathing is so bad now that I’m beginning to feel dizzy, but no matter how hard I try to control my breathing, the dizzier I get.

“Camilla Evelyn Adams!” Laila says in a commanding tone, “you listen to me! Sit your arse down NOW!”

The moment Laila says that, I plant myself on the floor.

“Are you sitting down?” Laila asks.

“I… I am,” I stutter out.

“Now, breath with me,” Laila begins counting and taking a deep breath over the phone.

I match her breaths and count with her. I feel my breathing becoming regular. My stomach is not as knotted and tight, and the dizziness begins to disappear slowly.

“That’s it, babe, you’re doing great,” Laila praises me as we slowly begin winding down.

“Thank you, Lail’s,” I quietly reply.

“No worries, babe. Now, tell us what’s going on.”

“Jonathan has woken up, and…” I stop. I can’t bring myself to say the new part.

“And?” Kay says quietly.

“Cami, what’s going on?” Laila cuts in.

“He—” I stop myself again, “he… he doesn’t recognize me,” my words come out below a whisper.

“What?” Kay and Laila say at the same time.

“He doesn’t recognize me,” I repeat this time so they can hear me.

“What do you mean he doesn’t recognize you?” Kay asks, confused.

“We’re confused, Cami,” Laila says.

“Jonathan is awake, and he recognizes Emir and Saph, but—” I take a deep breath, “not me, he asked me who I was”

“Cami, he just woke up—”

I cut Laila off. “Emir said the same thing, but this feels different, guys.”

“Listen, don’t jump to any conclusions right now. It’s early days, ok?” Kay tries to reassure me, but I can feel it in my heart. This isn’t confusion. He really doesn’t recognize me.

“Kay’s right; just give him some time.” Laila’s tone sounds reassuring, but I can hear her worry. She is just as worried as I am.

“Mmm-hmm,” I mumble.

I hear a quiet knock on the door, and Emir says, “Cami, are you ok in there?”

“I’m fine, Emir. I’ll be out in a minute,” I call to him through the door.

“Ok,” He replies.

I stand up off the floor and take a deep breath. “I gotta go girls, thank you for helping me. I don’t know what I would do without you.”

“Always,” they both reply.

“Love you.”

“We love you too, and text us later, ok?” Kay says

“I will, bye.”

“Bye, babe.” They both say as I hang up.

You got this! My inner voice says.

Slipping my phone into my pocket, taking a deep breath, I open the bathroom door and head over to Jonathan’s bed. He’s fast asleep, and the doctors are gone.

“What did they say?” I ask Emir and Saph, who are on the couch watching me intently.

“They are going to come back tomorrow and do some tests.” Emir looks at me, concerned.

“Ok,” I reply, “I think I’ll try and get some sleep.” I fain a smile.

“Take the couch. Emir and I will crash on the chairs tonight,” Saph says quietly.

“Thanks,” I reply.

I wanted nothing more than to curl up next to Jonathan tonight. I had been waiting for this moment for days, but never in my wildest dreams did I think he would wake up and not recognize me. The doctor said there was a chance he could have some memory loss. Call me naïve, but I never thought it would be me that would be lost. The way he tugged his hand from mine, the way his eyes looked at me, empty of any of the warmth they once held for me.

As I lay down on the couch, my swollen and sore eyes begging to close, I secretly hope tomorrow I will wake up, and my Jonathan will be back, and this will all have been just a moment of confusion.

 

Sunday – Early Morning.

 

“Camilla,” I hear a soft voice say as they softly rub my arm, “Camilla.”

I roll over, throwing my arm up above my head and slowly opening my eyes.

“Morning,” Emir says, smiling down at me.

“Hmmm, morning,” I replied, rubbing my eyes.

“The doctors are here to do some testing, and they need us to leave the room for about an hour or so.”

Emir stands up from beside the couch and puts his hand out for me. I do my usual morning cat stretch and then slowly sit up, taking his hand and standing up.

“Did you want to get changed before we go?” Saph asks.

“No, I’m fine.” I smile at her. “Am I able to see Jonathan before I go?” I look between Saph and Emir.

“Umm…” Saph looks to Emir.

“Not right now, Camilla, but I’m sure you can once the doctors are finished.” Emir tries to sound reassuring, but I can feel he’s worried about me and what Jonathan might say.

I decided not to fight him and just let the doctors do their thing.

“Ok,” I smile at them.

I throw my hair into a messy bun, grab my purse and phone as we head for the door. Before I close the door, I pause. I know I shouldn’t, but I need to see Jonathan, even if it’s for a moment. Jonathan is sitting up, smiling, and chatting away to the doctors. He glances in my direction, causing my breath to hitch in my throat. Butterflies instantly fill my stomach as I tip my head to the side and smile at him. He doesn’t return the smile; instead, he turns his attention back to the doctors—my stomach drops. The look in his eyes reminds me of someone who had just seen a random person in his room. It was devoid of warmth, feeling, and love for me.

“Cami! Are you coming?” Saph calls from behind me.

“Yeah, sorry,” I quietly reply as I close the door.

We spent about two hours sitting in the outside hospital cafeteria.

Image sourced from RBWH

It was nice to smell the fresh air, feel the breeze on my face and watch the trees swaying back and forth in the wind. Emir was on the phone with their parents for much of that time we were out there. Saph was talking, and I was nodding my head and smiling from time to time, but I really wasn’t there. I had drifted off into my safe place—the place where it was just Jonathan and me cuddling, kissing, and laughing together.

“Cami?” Saph places her hand on my knee.

“Hmmm?” I reply absentmindedly, looking back at her.

“Did you hear what I said?” She looks at me with concern.

“No, I’m sorry. What did you say?”

“We can head back up now.” she smiles nervously at me.

“Oh, ok.” I look down at my cup. “Let me throw this in the bin, and I’ll be right there.”

We see Dr. Willet standing outside, chatting with some nurses as we approach Jonathan’s room.

“Ahh, you’re back.” He smiles at us. “That will be all for today, ladies,” he says to the nurses.

“Of course, doctor,” they reply, turning and smiling at us.

“Come, let’s go to my office.” Dr. Willet gestures down the hall.

Once we get inside, Emir pulls an extra chair up for Saph as he pulls mine out for me. You can feel the nervous energy in the room. It’s so thick you could almost cut it with a knife.

“Right, well, I want to let you know that Jonathan’s test results are all within normal range,” he says as he leans forward and rests his arms on his desk.

We all let out a massive sigh of relief.

“Now Emir mentioned to me this morning that there were some concerns about his memory. Is that correct?” Dr. Willet looks at me.

“Uhh… Yes,” I reply.

“Ok, what I can tell you is that Jonathan’s long-term memory is intact. This means everything in his past he remembers, which is why he recognizes Emir and Sapphire. However, his short-term memory at present is damaged. From the tests we conducted, Jonathan has lost the last two years. He doesn’t remember starting his job at the OCCU in Brooklyn. He has no memory of the investigation he was conducting. He doesn’t remember the attack, and when shown pictures of his friends, including yourself, Camilla, he has no memory of you, his partner Anthony, Reneya, Laila, Kaylee, Micah, Angel, Annie, Stefan, and Tyler. The last thing he does remember is leaving work and heading home to meet with his girlfriend, a Ms. Sienna Cole.” Dr. Willet pauses. “Jonathan has asked me to contact Sienna on his behalf and let her know what has happened. I wanted to ask you if you were comfortable with me doing that?” He looks between me, Emir and Sapphire.

You know that ringing noise you get in your ears when a room is too silent? That’s exactly what I feel at this moment. Every kiss, every touch, and every word that Jonathan and I shared flashes through my mind. All of it gone just like that and now in its place is Sienna. I couldn’t stand another minute in this room. The feeling of needing to run, hit me and this time, I didn’t fight it. I ran.