After an anxious night with Jonathan, Emir was finally able to get a hold of their parents and tell them what had happened to Jonathan. The scream that their mother, Yael, let out was something I think I will never forget. It was a gut-wrenching, animalistic cry, nothing I had ever heard a human being make. She completely crumbled and hearing her pain killed me. Yael couldn’t fly because her eardrums bursting five years prior on a flight to NYC made the situation worse. All we could do was facetime them every morning during every meeting with Jonathan’s doctors and every night to keep them up to date. Sometimes Yael was there, and other times she could not cope with it, and only his dad would remain.

Three days after the attack, Emir and I finally spoke with Anthony and Reneya and found out what exactly happened that night. At first, I was at a loss. Why Jonathan? Was it a mugging? Even worse, was he the target and Reneya was just a causality? Or did she surprise them, and they took her out as well?

It turned out that not only was Jonathan a target but Reneya and Anthony were as well. The only reason Anthony wasn’t lying in a hospital bed next to Jonathan was that he’d got caught up with paperwork in the office and was late meeting Reneya outside. According to Reneya, she had stopped by the precinct to surprise Anthony with the news that she was pregnant. Reneya texted him, letting him know she was outside waiting for him. At the same time, she sent that message, Jonathan arrived. Being the typical nosy Jonathan, he couldn’t help but pry out of Reneya what she was so excited about. Within minutes of her telling him, they were set upon by two men wearing balaclavas and brandishing weapons. To protect Reneya and the baby, Jonathan took the brunt of the attack. I was happy that Anthony wasn’t hurt, but at the same time, I was furious that Jonathan was even in a position to be attacked and that someone would dare do that to him, but I did feel a sense of pride, knowing that he had done what he could to protect both Reneya and her baby.

Outside of Jonathan and Reneya’s room, the enormity of the situation was playing out in the media, and to get the situation under control and protect both Jonathan and Reneya, the NYPD commissioner stationed two officers outside of their rooms, barring anyone that wasn’t family or the care team from entering their rooms. It made it tricky getting things into the hospital, but we managed to get what we needed to get by until Jonathan woke up. Not having the ability to see my friends for more than a couple of minutes at a time and not seeing Jonathan made this situation harder, but I made sure to keep them all in the loop when I could, and I wasn’t completely alone. I had Emir, and that gave them both peace of mind. Sapphire was cleared on the second day and was able to join us. She is so lovely and such a beautiful ray of sunshine. I can see why Emir is marrying her and why Jonathan likes her.

Jonathan made it through the crucial hours after his attack. The swelling in his brain was going down, but it wasn’t as significant as his doctors had hoped. On day four and after hours of meetings and talking to Jonathan’s parents, we decided that it was better to keep him in the coma for another three days and then reassess. It was the hardest decision Emir and I had to make, but we wanted Jonathan back safely, and pulling him too early could have devastating consequences.

And so, the days passed, and we slowly adapted as best we could. Every day started the same, observations followed by Physio. After that, Jonathan gets about an hour’s break before they come, take tubes of blood, then conduct a brain activity test. Another hour passes, and they are back administering his anti-inflammatories and then off for another MRI. By late afternoon they are finally finished, and it’s time to have a meeting with his doctors to talk through what’s next.

In the few downtimes Jonathan has, I sit next to his bed and read him some of the stories I am currently proofreading. Emir and Saph sit at the end of his bed playing cards while throwing jokes at him about how bad he is playing. We try our best to make him feel included and remind him we are here and aren’t going anywhere. I’m sure if he can hear us, we are driving him insane with the constant shit we talk. If that doesn’t do it, I know that some of the stories I’m proofreading are.

As the day draws to a close, Emir and Saph curl up together on the couch and fall asleep. Seeing them wrapped up in each other reminds me just how much I crave Jonathan’s arms around me, holding me tightly and playing with my hair till I fall asleep, what I wouldn’t give to feel that right now.

Turning my laptop off and placing it on the table behind me, I carefully crawl in beside Jonathan and lay my head on his chest.

“I miss you; I miss you so much,” I sigh as I interlace our fingers.

I’ve spent the entire day fighting off my pain and utter loneliness, but right now, it’s raw and consuming. I feel my tears stinging my cheeks as I let it take me over completely. This is what I have done every night since the attack, waited till everyone went to bed, and then crawled into bed with Jonathan and cried myself to sleep.

Art by @konturava.art

 

One week later

 

Today was the day we would find out if Jonathan’s swelling had gone down enough for them to reverse his coma. I was increasingly anxious watching the clock tick over; it had become the loudest noise in the room, even outdoing his heart monitor. I knew it would take a little while to get the results, but it had been two hours and forty-six minutes since he returned from his MRI.

Surely, they have the answer by now, I think to myself as I nervously bite my nails.

“Why don’t you go and see Reneya and Anthony?” Emir asks, looking up from his cards.

“Hmmm?” I reply absentmindedly.

“Go and see Reneya and Anthony,” Emir repeats.

“Oh, that sounds like an excellent idea, babe,” Saph chimes in, smiling at Emir.

“I’m fine, honestly.” I fain a smile at both of them.

“Sure, you are.” Emir rolls his eyes. “Listen, you’re driving yourself insane watching that clock, and you’re doing my head in with the constant sound of you chewing on your nails. Please, for both our sanities, go,” Emirs says in a frustrated tone.

“What if his doctors come while I’m gone?” I reply nervously.

“We’ll message you straight away. Promise.” Saph smiles warmly at me.

“O- ok,” I reply quietly.

Closing my laptop, I place it on the table behind me. As I stand, I lean over and whisper in Jonathan’s ear, “I won’t be long, baby, don’t have too much fun without me.” Smiling, I press my lips to the side of his cheek and pause for a minute, breathing in his scent.

God, I love you so much, baby, I think to myself as I slowly pull myself away from him.

In the time Jonathan has been in hospital, I have only left his side twice. Once to collect my things from Laila and Kay, and another to see Anthony and Reneya. I usually fight to leave his side because I feel like I’m leaving a piece of myself in that room whenever I do. Like the very essence of who I am has left my body and remains with Jonathan. I can only breathe and feel like myself when I’m back next to him.

Stepping out of the elevator, I spot Anthony trying to stealthy sneak out of Reneya’s room. With his back turned to me, I quickly but quietly tiptoe up behind.

“BOO!” I yell as I poke him in the sides.

“FUCK!” He shouts as he stumbles to the side.

I bust out laughing as he leans against the wall trying to catch his breath.

“You scared the shit outta me,” he breaths out.

“Sorry, not sorry,” I giggle.

“I hate you,” Anthony grumbles as he sits down in the chairs across from Reneya’s room.

“Aww, so sweet,” I gush. “What were you doing anyway?”

“I was trying to sneak out of her room as quietly as possible until you showed up.” He rolls his eyes at me.

“I’m sorry, really,” I giggle as I put my hands up in front of me, attempting to look innocent. I’m genuinely sorry.

“Sure.” He shakes his head. “What are you doing here? Aren’t Jonathan’s doctors reversing his coma today?”

“Emir told me to leave because I was driving him insane with my nail chewing, and the doctors haven’t come yet.”

“Yes, Jonathan has told me about your nail-biting. I think he said it sounded like a chipmunk trying to crack a nut,” he chuckles.

“Oh, haha.” I roll my eyes at him.

“How long ago was Jonathan’s MRI?”

“It’ll be almost 3hrs ago now.” My eyes start to well up.

“Hey, hey, we aren’t having any of that. Ok?” Anthony says as he gets up and pulls me into a hug. “He’s going to come out of this and be ok, trust me.”

“I know.” I close my eyes and take a deep breath.

“Listen, I’m heading out to get some food. Why don’t you come with me? It’ll get you outta here for a bit.” He pulls away and smiles down at me.

“I’ll be ok, but thank you for the offer.”

“Well, at least let me walk you back to Jonathan’s room.”

“Ok, that’d be nice. Thank you.” I smile up at him.

As we approach Jonathan’s room, my stomach begins to tie itself in knots again. As I’m about to turn to Anthony and take him up on his offer, I hear a voice I wanted to hear but at the same time dreaded.

“Camilla, you made it just in time. We were about to come and give you all an update on Jonathan,” Dr. Willet says, his voice full of excitement.

“I just stepped out for a moment,” I reply softly.

“It’s always good to get out of these horrible hospital rooms now and then,” he jokes, “I hope I wasn’t interrupting anything.” He looks between Anthony and me.

“Oh, no, sir. Just making sure Camilla made it back safely.” Anthony smiles.

“Good, man! Well, shall we head in?” Dr. Willet replies as he gestures to Jonathan’s room.

“Ummm, sure.” I turn to look at Anthony. “Tell Es I say hi, ok?”

“Of course.” Anthony winks at me and then mouths, “good luck.”

Smiling at Anthony, Dr. Willet and I head into Jonathan’s room. Emir and Saph are still playing cards as the nurse is doing Jonathan’s obs for the night.

“If you’ll excuse us,” Dr. Willet says quietly to the nurse.

“Of course, doctor.” She smiles and exits the room.

“Right, shall we take a seat over here?” Dr. Willet gestures to the couches behind us.

“Sure,” Emir replies as he pulls his phone out and calls his parents.

I sit next to Saph, and she immediately takes my hand in hers and squeezes it tightly. She knows I’m panicking and lets me know she is here. Emir sits down across from us and places the phone on the table in front of us. Dr. Willet pulls a chair up, sits at the table’s end, and puts Jonathan’s file on the table.

“Right, well,” he says as he opens the file. “I have some excellent news.”

An audible sigh of relief fills the room.

“I’m not going to piss around explaining everything to you because I know you are all wanting to know if we will begin the process of reversal, and we are.” Dr. Willet gleefully grins at us.

All three of us sat for a moment in silence before it finally hit us.

“Thank you, thank you, thank you so much!” I screamed as I jumped to my feet, grabbing Dr. Willet and pulling him into a hug.

Emir stands slowly and begins to cry as Saph embraces him and cries herself. Yael and Ben were both crying on the phone at the news. We had all been holding our breaths since this happened, and now we can finally breathe.

“What happens now?” I asked, pulling away from Dr. Willet.

“First thing tomorrow morning, we will begin reversing the coma meds, and hopefully, within a few hours, he should begin waking up.”

“I hear a but, in that sentence,” Emir says cautiously.

I look at Emir, confused by what he means. Emir raises his brow at me, trying to warn me not to get my hopes up, but they are already up.

Why is he doing this? I think to myself.

“What’s he talking about, Dr.?” I ask, confused as I look back at Dr. Willet.

“Brain injuries are a severe thing, and we can’t know what the damage is until he wakes up,” Dr. Willet begins to explain, but I cut him off.

“Yeah, but this is Jonathan. He’s going to be ok.” I direct the ok towards Emir.

I’m angry he is doing this right after we got the good news.

“Camill—” Saph begins to say.

I cut Saph off, “He’s going to be ok, right?”

“Camilla, Jonathan’s swelling was quite significant in his temporal lobe,” he explains quietly.

“Temporal—”

Emir cuts me off, “what does that mean, doctor?”

“The temporal lobe is responsible for memory, understanding the spoken word, and hearing. Because the swelling was so significant in that area, we won’t know whether any of these have sustained long-term damage until Jonathan wakes. In saying that, he could wake and be completely fine. We don’t know at this point.” He pauses. “I am required to inform you of the possible issue we may face once he wakes up.”

“I think I’m going to be sick.” My hand shoots to my mouth as I make a beeline for the toilet.

“Saph, quick! Follow her. I don’t want her passing out in there,” Emir directs Sapphire.

Within minutes of reaching the toilet, I begin violently vomiting. My entire body is shaking uncontrollably, and I feel like life has been drained from me. Saph sits down next to me, gently pulls my hair out of my face, and ties it back.

“Shhh, let it all out, honey,” Saph says as she rubs my back.

“It’s not over, is it? This nightmare isn’t over?” I slump down next to the toilet and bury my face in my hands. “IT’S NOT OVER!” I cry out.