They say in high-stress situations people will look for anything to hold onto to ground themselves and feel like they have some control over a situation that otherwise feels out of control. Without realising it, the door handle to Dr. Willet’s office had become that for me. I knew that the moment I let it go I would be leaving the safety of that place and walking into the reality of the situation. I knew I would have to let go; I couldn’t stay attached to this door all morning, but I wasn’t ready.

Perhaps counting my steps to the ICU desk will help, I thought to myself as I looked over at the busy nurses behind the counter.

In the past, when I have felt like this, counting always took my mind off the dark hole I was falling into. I let go of the door handle and, looking only at the counter, I began counting my steps.

“1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, breathe Cami, we are so close,” I whisper. “9, 10, 11 & 12. I did it!” I smile to myself, closing my eyes and placing my hands on the counter.

I don’t think I have ever been so excited to feel the top of a counter.

“Are you ok ma’am?” The nurse asks concerned.

“Yes, sorry,” I reply, opening my eyes.

“Are you sure?” She stands from her chair and watches me closely.

I have a feeling she thinks I’m going to faint.

“Yes, I’m positive,” I smile at her.

“Good! What can I help you with today?”

“I’m looking for Jonathan Harris’s room?” I look at her nervously.

“Are you family?” 

“She’s his fiancé,” Emir says from behind me.

I quickly turn around, completely caught off guard by Emir’s reply. He just looks down at me, smiles, and mouths, “Just play along”.

I turn around, smiling nervously, and confirm what Emir has just said. “Ah yes, I’m his fiancé, Camilla Adams and this is his brother Emir Harris.” 

Please buy it, please buy it, I repeat over and over in my head.

“Do you both have any I.D on you?” she asks, looking between the both of us.

“I-“ I reply flustered as my I.D is in Micah’s car.

“Look, it’s been a rough night, my brother was brutally attacked by some scum and is now laying in a bed fighting for his life. I understand you are just doing your job, but I really don’t have the patience for it right now. I’ll get you the I.D want but for now, can you just give me my brother’s room number?” Emir’s tone sounding exhausted and frustrated all at the same time.

“I’m sorry, sir. I didn’t mean to make this situation any more stressful for the both of you. Please give me a minute and I will pull up his file and get that number for you,” She replies nervously as she sits and begins tapping away on the computer.

Emir lets out a stressed sigh from behind me as he leans against the counter.

“Did you update your folks and Sapphire?” I ask Emir, trying to ease his frustration a little.

“I spoke to Saph, but my folks must be asleep,” He sighed, rubbing the back of his neck.

“We’re in this together, ok?” I reassure him. 

Emir smiles nervously back at me as he turns to face the nurse.

Taking a moment, I scan the room looking for Micah and Kay, but they weren’t anywhere to be seen. I pulled my phone out and sent her a quick text to make sure they were ok and that she knows where Emir and I were. As I pushed my phone back into my pocket, I heard a familiar voice. Immediately my eyes shoot IN the direction it’s coming from. 

“Motherfucker,” I seethe under my breath. “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE?” I yell at him as I push past Emir.

Sterling’s eyes dart around the room quickly before finally landing on me. Both of the police officers turn and look in my direction, clearly ready to take me down. Sterling says something to them and they both step aside. 

“Camilla, let me explain,” Sterling says as he walks towards me with his hands up in front of him.

“EXPLAIN! EXPLAIN! You have NO right to be here!” I scream at him as I get closer.

“Camilla, please, just me explain,” he pleads.

“NO! NO! YOU DON’T GET TO SPEAK ANYMORE! YOU DID THIS! THIS IS YOUR FAULT,” I spit at him, shoving him hard. 

He staggers backward as I continue to approach him. The two officers move towards me but Sterling waves them off.

“Camilla, please, I’ve been assigned to Jon and Reneya’s case. I’m not here to cause any trouble I’m just here to find out what happened.”

“This never would have happened if you hadn’t come over and spilled your shit, but you couldn’t help yourself, could you? I was happy Sterling, WE were happy,” I cry out as the tears run down my cheeks 

“I’m sorry, Cami.”

“FUCK YOUR SORRY STERLING AND DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE CALL ME CAMI,” I start slapping any part of him I can reach.

“Camilla, please,” He yells, dodging my hits.

“FUCK YOU STERLING!” I scream at him.

Just as I go to slap Sterling again, Emir picks me up from behind and carries me to the other side of the room. Though my energy levels are waning, I continue to yell at Sterling until I’m out of breath and can only cry uncontrollably in Emir’s arms.

“You need to leave!” I hear Kay yell at Sterling.

“Camilla, christ! What’s going on? What was that?” Emir asks as he places me down on my feet.

“He-“ I struggle to get the words out.

“That guy is Sterling Darcy in case you didn’t hear Camilla yell it loud enough,” Kay says sarcastically. “He and Cami had a thing.” 

“WE DIDN’T HAVE A THING!” I yell at her. “He MADE it into something it wasn’t! It was a mistake and if he had given me the time, I would have told Jonathan myself when I was ready,” I sob.

“I know, honey,” Kay says softly as she wraps her arms around me.

“Well, he’s gone now, Camilla,” Emir replies with a slight proudness in his voice.

“I didn’t cheat on Jonathan, Emir. I would never do that,” I look over at Emir through tears.

“I would never think that Camilla,” he smiles softly at me, rubbing my arm.

“I hate him,” I cry into Kay’s shoulder.

“I know,” she replies, rubbing my back.

“Let me get Jonathan’s room number. Can I trust you to not try and beat anyone else’s arse?” Emir teases. 

“Depends on the person,” I reply sarcastically as I wipe my tears away.

“Camilla?” he says, looking at me sternly.

“Fine, yes,” I roll my eyes at him.

“Good,” he chuckles.

Giving me a cheeky wink, he turns and heads for the counter where a very shocked nurse is out of her seat and watching us carefully.

“Where is Micah?” I ask Kay as I pull away.

“I sent him to your place to pick up a few things for you. I knew you wouldn’t be leaving anytime soon, and you can’t stay in just Jon’s shirt and leggings because this place is like a fucking MEAT LOCKER,” she yells over my shoulder.

A small giggle escapes my lips at Kay’s words.

“Are there it is, the giggle I love so much,” Kay winks at me. “Now tell me what’s going on with Jonathan.”

We walk over to the small waiting area and sit down. I’m not excited about reliving my conversation with Dr. Willet, but Kay needs to know. Kay has always thought she was good at hiding her emotions, especially from me but I have known her long enough to know that when she goes quiet, she’s internally crumbling. 

“I need a drink of water; do you need a drink of water because I need a drink of water,” Kay says quickly as she shoots up out of her seat.

Kay does this rapid-fire of words when she needs to do something to stop her anxiety from surging to the top and exploding on everyone.

“I’m going to get a drink,” She states, rushing off to the water cooler.

When she returns, I give her a few moments to collect her thoughts as she paces back and forth in front of me, spilling her drink more than she is drinking it.

“Kay, you’re going to wear a hole in the floor if you keep pacing like that.”

“What else do you expect me to do Cami? Sit and be calm?” she replies sarcastically.

“No, but I need my best friend right now,” I look up at her, tears threatening to fall.

“Oh gosh! I’m so sorry, Cami,” she says as she sits down and wraps her arms around me. “Ok, ok. So, what is the next step?”

“We wait,” I sigh.

“What do you mean we ‘wait’?” She raises her voice, pulling back from me.

“Dr. Willet said 24 – 48hrs is the most critical time. If there is no improvement after that then that’s when we need to look at perhaps surgery.”

“Fuck Camilla!” she breathes out in frustration.

“What do I do Kay?” I stutter out through my tears.

“Give me a minute.” 

We sit in silence for a moment before she says, “Ok, this is what we are going to do, we are going to stay positive. Ya hear me? There will be no talk of surgery and no talk of him dying. Do you understand?” she says sternly.

“But-“ Kay cuts me off.

“Do you understand?” she repeats.

“Mmm hmmm,” I nod in agreement.

“Good! Now we will wait here for Emir, then you will go see Jonathan and tell him the plan too. Ok?” She looks down at me, her voice commanding but her eyes are pleading with me to agree because she needs the situation to be somewhat under control.

“I will,” I reply softly.

“Good, that’s good,” she lets out a sigh.

“Thank you, Kay,” I smile at her as I take her hand in mine.

Kay doesn’t say anything instead she leans over and kisses the side of my head. 

After a few moments of us sitting in silence, Emir comes walking towards us.

“Jonathan is in room 56, apparently it’s the second door on the left just down that hall behind us,” He says as he stops in front of us.

“You go first, Emir, you’re his brother.” 

“Camilla, Jonathan needs to hear you right now. You need to see him first,” He replies, giving me a reassuring smile.

“Emi-“ He cuts me off.

“No, no buts. Go, now,” his tone stern.

“I’m scared,” I mumble as I stand up and look down the hall towards Jon’s room.

“You got this babe; he needs you and we will be right here if you need us. Ok?” Kay stands behind me and rubs my back.

“Ok,” I reply nervously.

“The nurse standing at the counter is Charly, she said if you need it, she will take you to his room,” Emir turns and points to the short brunette who is busying herself with papers on the counter.

“See? You have your own personal escort and she’s cute,” Kay winks at me.

“I can’t with you right now,” I roll my eyes at her.

“Get that booty moving missy, your man is waiting,” she smirks at me as she slaps my arse.

Walking slowly over to Charly, I take a breath as I take a step and exhale on the next step. Charly can see I’m anxious and she reaches out and takes my hand.

“I got you, darling,” She smiles at me.

“Thank you,” I smile back at her.

I’m not sure how long I stood there staring at Jonathan’s door after Charly left me. 

“You got this Camilla, just open the door,” I say quietly to myself.

Creaking the door open slowly, I step into Jonathan’s room. It’s bitterly cold and lit up like a Christmas tree. The blue privacy curtain is pulled right around his bed, blocking my view completely and his care team is standing outside of the curtain conversing quietly. Dr. Willet looks up briefly at me and smiles before quietly telling the other doctors to leave. As each one of them walks past me, they all give me that ‘we’re sorry’ smile or nod whatever you want to call it. It did little to ease my anxiety, if anything it made me even more anxious.

Do they know something I don’t? I thought to myself.

Dr, Willet approaches me slowly. “Camilla, you’re here. Let me put Jonathan’s file away and I’ll be right with you.”

 He reaches past me, placing the file on the desk behind me before walking over and pulling the curtain open.

“Jonathan!” I gasp.

“I know it looks bad Camilla, but I can assure you he is not in any pain,” Dr. Willet says in an attempt to reassure me.

Art by @konturava.art

His words did nothing to ease my pain at seeing Jonathan like this, so broken and lifeless. It quite literally drained the life out of me. I thought I was prepared, I thought I would be able to handle this, but I wasn’t. NO-ONE should have to see the person they love in this entire world laying there like this. There wasn’t a single part of him that wasn’t either bruised, swollen, or cut. Even his hands, his soft and loving hands were unrecognisable. The lips I loved kissing and feeling on my body, split and swollen. 

The tears began to fall, burning my cheeks and soaking my shirt. Pulling the chair up next to his bed, I slide my hand into his and press my lips to the back kissing it lightly. 

“Please, please come back to me,” I whisper against the back of his hand. “I need you, baby, I need you.”

Looking up at him I see his eyes slightly flutter and for a moment I allow myself to believe it’s because he can hear and feel me. 

Watching him sleeping so peacefully reminds me of the many times I gave him shit about his snoring. He would always say, “If I ever sleep soundly, you’ll know something is wrong”. I couldn’t help but smile at the memory, but it was immediately replaced with the reality of the situation and the reason he wasn’t snoring now was because he wasn’t sleeping peacefully with me. Instead, he was in a nightmare that he and I couldn’t wake up from.

I hadn’t noticed but Dr. Willet had left the room and Emir was now standing in the doorway.

“Kardeşim, bebek kardeşim. Sana ne yaptılar?  (My brother, my baby brother. What did they do to you?)” Emirs says, his tone defeated as he moves towards Jonathan’s bedside. 

“Emir?” I say quietly, reaching over and taking his hand.

He looks down at my hand and then at me. 

“He’s going to be ok,” I try to reassure him.

“Aman Tanrım. How do I tell mama and baba? (Oh god. How do I tell mum and dad?)” Emir breaths out.

His eyes immediately well up as his gaze leaves mine and goes back to Jonathan. My heart ached for Emir; I knew he was feeling like he had failed Jonathan. The pain was etched on his face and like Jonathan, Emir wasn’t good at hiding his emotions. Yet another thing they have in common. I couldn’t help but go back to yesterday when Jonathan and I fought. The look on his face when he was standing in my bedroom doorway was the same look that Emir had on his face. Pain, pain at my lie and my words. 

Would I ever get to take them back? Would I ever get to tell him how sorry I was for lying to him or would that be the final words we would ever speak to each other?

I squeezed Jonathan’s hand softly and whispered, “I’m so sorry, please forgive me?”