I spent the entire Uber trip back to my apartment convincing Emir to go back to Turkey with Jonathan. The only way I could convince Emir to go back was for me. He even refused that at first, but he could hear the exhaustion in my voice, so he stopped fighting me. I know despite everything; Jonathan needed his brother. What if he does something that he couldn’t come back from? I have my friends, but who did Jonathan really have? Sienna wasn’t the type of girlfriend that would hang around when shit got rough. I know she’d be the first to abandon him. And I know what you’re thinking: Why do you care, Camilla? I shouldn’t, I know, but I love him, and I can’t turn that off as much as I wish I could.

I message Laila and let her know I’m going back to my apartment tonight; I know she’d want to know what had happened, but I didn’t have the energy to explain everything. My body is exhausted, physically and mentally.

A friend of mine, that was a fireman, once told me a chilling story that has always stuck with me. They had called him out to a nasty car crash and the husband of the wife in the accident seemed to be unharmed according to everyone that spoke to and saw him. He spent the entire time helping the paramedics and fireman get his wife out of the car. Once he had done his job, his body succumbed to his injuries, and he died. He kept going because he needed to make sure his wife was ok. It broke my heart when I first heard it and couldn’t fathom how someone could do that despite his entire body dying, but now I understand. The person you love is the only thought in your mind. I realised that this entire time, until this moment, I had been running on pure adrenaline. Unlike the husband, I wouldn’t die… but I was going to collapse.

Standing at the bottom of my apartment building stairs, I contemplate getting back in the Uber and going to Laila’s. I thought it would be easier than it was. Looking over at my bedroom window, I recall us fighting and me telling him to leave. I see Jonathan pushing the doors open, walking down the stairs and brush past me as he gets in his car. I turn around and watch as he looks one last time at my window before he drives off. God, what I wouldn’t give to change that moment. I should have gone after him, I shouldn’t have let him leave, but my pride got in the way and now here I am. Standing here, looking at a space that was once our home. Now it looks dark, cold, and uninviting.

“I can’t do this,” I mumble to myself as I turn back to the Uber.

My feet won’t move, no matter how hard I try to force myself to leave. My heart wants to be close to Jonathan, even if the last thing that happened was bad. He was there; he is still there. I force myself up the stairs and into my building. Unlocking the door, I take a deep breath and slip inside. His smell hits me. It’s as if he was just here like I had just missed him. I drop everything, peel my boots off and throw them to the side. Walking down the hall, I peel each piece of clothing off till I’m only in my bra and undies by the time I walk into my bedroom. I see his pillows exactly how he left them. The dent in his side of the bed looks like he was just lying there, waiting for me to come home. With shaky hands, I grab the pink nightgown Jonathan had brought me and as I wrap it around myself, I inhale his scent deep into my lungs. I still remember the words on the card.

I slept in this gown all week; it should have all my smells on it to last you till I can hold you in my arms again.

I love you,

Jonathan x

I know this might sound disgusting, but since he gave it to me, I had never washed it. I didn’t want to lose his scent and I’m glad I didn’t because right now Jonathan was exactly what I needed. Pulling the blankets back, I crawl into Jonathan’s spot. The moment my head hits his pillow, the poker face I had worn so well cracks and every emotion that I had held back comes pouring out all at once. There is no fighting it this time and honestly, I’m so tired of fighting. I sink into the depths of my darkness, the tears flow endlessly, the pain in my body consumes me and my entire world falls silent.

Art by @dragon_and_direwolf

It’s funny how comfortable you become when you let the darkness take over. I had become accustomed to the feeling of emptiness. Hell, I welcomed it. I wouldn’t say I’ve lost the will to live. I just don’t really feel like participating in life anymore. Spending hours, even days at a time in bed, surviving off water and two-minute noodles is comforting. When I decide to venture outside the kitchen, it’s only to pee, shower, get more tissues that now littered my bed or pain killers to numb the constant pain I felt in my body.

Sometimes late at night I lay there, and pretend Jonathan is beside me. I tell him all the things that I miss about him. He’s always quiet, playing with my hair and listening intently, but the moment the sun rises, he’s gone again and I’m right back in my dark world.

Almost a month has passed since Jonathan left and no matter how hard Kay and Laila have tried, they can’t break down my wall. If I’m honest, I have grown to resent them for trying. I don’t want or need their help; it may not look like it but I’m happy where I am. When the pain comes, I’m numb to it. When my heart hurts, I go back into my mind where I don’t feel it anymore. I know it’s not a long-term fix, but it’s what I need right now, and their constant meddling is forcing me to withdraw further. However, my attitude must have gotten the best of Kay and Laila because they pulled out the big guns—Emir.

“Camilla,” I hear Emir say softly, whisking the hair that’s fallen into my face, off my cheek and behind my ear.

“Hm, Emir,” I mumble, wriggling a little before settling again.

“Hey, sunshine.” He smiles at me.

“Jonathan was—” I feel around in the bed and find it empty, “Just here but he’s left me again,” I reply, still groggy.

“That’s ok, I’m here for you Camilla,” Emir says quietly.

“Are you going to leave as well?” I ask, slowly opening my eyes.

“No,” His face softens as he looks at me.

“I miss him, Emir, I miss him so much it hurts every part of me.” Tears fall from my eyes.

Emir takes my hand in his and, standing slowly, he wraps it around his waist as he slips in beside me.

“I know,” he says as he pulls me tightly into his arms.

“Is he ok? Does he miss me?” I sob into his shirt.

“He’s…” Emir sighs heavily, not sure how to answer that question. In all honestly, I know he can’t, and I don’t want to know.

“Why are you here?” I look up at him through tears.

“I’m here because you haven’t been looking after yourself like you promised me you would.” He looks at me, disappointed.

“I tried,” I sob.

“I know,” he says as he light kisses the top of my head.

I don’t know how long I laid there in Emir’s arms crying. All I know is when I ran out of tears, my body shut down and I drifted off to sleep. It was the first time in a month that I slept deeply. When I woke, Emir was sitting in the living room with Kay and Laila chatting quietly. My eyes drifted from them over to my bedroom door, where two suitcases sat with my bag and coat draped over the top.

“What’s going on?” I sit up, rubbing my eyes.

“Don’t be mad, Cami,” Kay says, looking at me nervously.

“What are you talking about? Why is all my stuff packed?” I look at them all.

“Cami, you know I hate those cliché interventions where everyone in the room goes around talking shit, so I’ll cut to the chase. We have booked you into a mental health retreat,” Laila says bluntly.

“You did what?” I look at her as if I didn’t quite hear her right and to give her a chance to change her mind and retract what she said before I go atomic on her arse.

“You heard me,” she snaps back, rolling her eyes.

“So, let me get this straight,” I stifle a laugh. “You ALL,” I empathise the word all, “have decided on MY behalf that I need to go to a mental health retreat without consulting me? Is that correct?”

“Camilla, it’s not like that,” Emir says, trying to calm the situation down.

“What is it like, Emir?” I snap at him.

“Cami, you aren’t eating properly, you’re not speaking to anyone, you won’t get out of bed, and you have abandoned your work and us. We miss you; we love you and it’s killing us to see you like this,” Kay chimes in from behind Laila.

“What if I refuse to go?” I shrug my shoulder.

“Then we will have to take you there by force, Camilla,” Emir replies, breaking eye contact.

“Wow! So, I either go under my will or you’ll drag me,” I scoff.

For a moment, I think about running. How quickly could I get out before Emir catches me? Where would I go?

Nowhere that this lot wouldn’t find you. My inner voice sighs.

As if Emir knows what I’m thinking, he approaches me and sitting down gently next to me he says, “Please Camilla, you need to get help.” He takes my hand in his and gives it a reassuring squeeze.

I look at him and he looks tired. He looks exactly like me… Lost.

“Ok,” I sigh. “I’ll go.”

“Thank you.” Emir looks at me and smiles.

“You will love this place, Cami. Trust me,” Laila says, getting up and leaning against my door frame.

“Can I get dressed before I’m dragged off?” I ask sarcastically.

“Of course,” Kay and Laila reply together.

Looking in the mirror, I finally see what they see. My face is pale and gaunt, the bags under my eyes look like bruises from a bar brawl, then I note the matted mess of hair, and I’m pretty sure I’ve lost weight. It’s not a pretty picture and for the first time in a month, I can see what I’ve done to myself. I can honestly say I’m not proud of what I’ve become. Not wanting to look at the mess I’ve made of myself for any longer, I grab a dress that’s hanging on the towel rack and give it a quick sniff to make sure it doesn’t smell. It doesn’t, so I pull it over my head and brush out as many wrinkles as I can. I decide to tie my rat’s nest up in a bun; it doesn’t look good, but I really don’t care at this point. After brushing my teeth and giving myself a once over I drag myself into my room, slip on my flip-flops and spray myself with some perfume.

“That’ll do,” I whisper to myself as I head into the living room. Kay, Emir and Laila sit, waiting.

“Right, let’s do this before I change my mind,” I state bluntly. “Who’s driving me to this place?”

“Maplewood has its own minibus service. They are waiting outside for you.” Laila points out the living room window.

I look past her and see a white minibus parked outside, against the curb. Standing next to the bus is a tall blonde elderly woman that is wearing a bright fifties-style floral dress, red high heels and red lipstick. I’m digging her style.

I was born in the wrong era; I think to myself as I eyeball the white van’s signage. It’s got a large brownish/yellowish maple leaf on the side with the words ‘Maplewood, where we are sane and everyone else is insane.’

“Hm, maybe I will like this place after all,” I smirk at Laila.

“I wouldn’t ask you to go there if it wasn’t Cami friendly.” Laila winks at me.

“Yeah, well, I may like the slogan but that doesn’t mean I’m not still mad at y’all.” I roll my eyes at them.

“We know.” Emir picks up my suitcases.

Approaching the van, my stomach twisted into knots. I haven’t been outside in a month and the one time I am, it’s because I’m hoping in a minibus with a stranger to go to some retreat. Kay takes my hand and rubs it with her other one. It settles my nerves and gives me that little push to do what I need for them and me.

“Hi Camilla, I’m Diane, the owner of Maplewood retreat.” She offers her hand to me.

“Um, hi,” I reply nervously.

“No need to be nervous dear, I won’t bite ya,” Diane chuckles.

“Well, this is going to be a boring stay then,” my tone dripping with sarcasm.

“Oh, I like you.” Diane smiles from ear to ear.

I like Diane immediately; she seems like the mother I never had. She’s warm, funny, caring and inviting.

“Did you want to say your goodbyes?”

“Oh, um, yeah, I guess,” I look over to Emir, Laila and Kay.

“Ok sweetie, you do that, and I’ll load your stuff up then meet you in the car.” Diane reaches out and rubs my arm.

Turning to Laila, Emir and Kay, the tears well in my eyes. I know I need to go, but what happens when I leave? I’ve had Kay and Laila with me since I came to America. I don’t know what it’s like not to have them beside me all the time. And Emir, though it’s only been a short time, he’s become my rock. When the world spins out of control, he knows how to make it stop. What will I do without them?

All three pull me into a group hug.

“You got this, babe!” Kay and Laila both mumble through their tears.

“Go make this retreat your bitch, Camilla,” Emir says playfully as he kisses the top of my head.

“I will.” I sniff. “I love you guys.”

“We love you too,” they reply as I pull away.

“I guess I’ll see y’all soon.” I brush the tears off my cheeks.

“It’ll go by so fast; we promise.” Laila gives me a reassuring smile.

I swallow my tears, smile, nod yes, and then slide into the van. As the door closes, I blow them a kiss and wave goodbye. Kay immediately breaks down and collapses in Emir’s arms. Laila holds strong and as we drive away, she mouths, “I love you”.